There are two young boys living in my home that I love
dearly. They are my sons. One is barely a few months old and the
other is four years older. My wife
and I are in the midst of weighing educational options for our eldest so I was
thrilled to see one of my favorite podcasts post an interview entitled “How Do
Smart Kids Get That Way?” It is an
interview by Dr. Albert Mohler with Amanda Ripley whose recent book discusses
various influences on how well kids succeed in education. There are many great insights from the
discussion but one of the things I took away from the podcast is that I want my
boys to fail.
The Smartest Kids in the World: And How They
Got That Way is a look at the educational systems of some of the top performing
countries in the world based on the test known as PISA (Program for
International Student Assessment).
This is the test that people reference when they compare how well the
United States is performing academically in comparison to other countries. It tests 15 year old students from 65
nations around the globe in a variety of disciplines. The test was last administered in 2012 and showed the United
States coming in 20th in reading, 23rd in science and 30th
in mathematics. The math score is
a down trend from the 2009 test when the U.S. was ranked 24th in mathematics.
Ripley
followed a few foreign exchange students who went to some of the countries who
perform at the top end of the PISA test as well as Poland who not only ranks in
near the top but is one country who has made dramatic moves upward in their performance
on the test. There are many things
to learn from the results of the test as well as from Ripley’s book but one
thing she noted was the importance of children being allowed to fail in
academics and in life as a major influence on their overall success.
She
and Dr. Mohler highlight our tendency in the United States to try to protect
our children from failure. While
this initially sounds like a good thing it is actually a handicap to our
children. There are many ideas
about why we do this to our children.
Our culture is heavily influenced by the idea that our kids need to have
high self esteem and if we allow them to experience failure then their self
esteem would be damaged. Other parents
fear that a failure at any stage in their child’s life could have long term
effects that would be impossible to overcome later on. But what ends up happening is children
are never allowed to fail and then learn from and through their failures. Eventually, they are faced with failure
but it is when they are out of high school, perhaps on their own trying to get
a job or get into college.
This
is analogous to a parent whose child is one day going to be a tight rope walker. The parent wants to raise their
children to succeed at tight rope walking but they think their child’s
confidence must be high in regard to their ability to walk tight ropes. They assume that any falls from the
tight rope might hurt the child, scare them away from tight ropes or damage
their confidence to the point that the child doesn’t want to walk tight
ropes. So what they do is allow
the child to bounce and play on the safety net. They tell them how great they are and how wonderfully they
will walk tight ropes one day. The
parents might even demonstrate tight rope walking for their children but they
never allow them to walk the ropes themselves. Until one day comes when they are forced to walk the tight
rope and then they send them up their and remove the safety net from beneath
them. Some kids may make it but is
it really shocking when many do not.
And now that they are on their own with no safety net the negative
effects of their fall are far greater than if they had fallen from a low rope
or into a safety net.
My
family and my home are a safety net for my boys. Sure I want to bounce around and play with them on the net
but they are going to be much better served if I let them fall into the net. Then they can pick themselves up, think
about what made them slip, get up there and try again.
The
deeper reality behind this is the fact that we all live in a “Genesis 3”
world. A world that is in
existence after mankind’s fall into sin.
In other words, a world that is negatively impacted in everyway by
sin. This is evident in all of our
lives. We all sin. We all make mistakes. We all have tainted memories, and
imperfect skills. We will all
fail. Trying to deny this reality
does not serve anyone. Trying to
keep our kids from failing will not allow them to learn to handle one of the
clearest inevitabilities we face.
In
Matthew 13, Jesus teaches using various parables. One of those is the parable of the Sewer. When Jesus explains the different kinds
of seeds that have been sown He talks about three kinds that are
unfruitful. They are the kinds of
seeds who do not know how to respond well to various trials that come into life
like evil, affliction, suffering, persecution, worry, and deceitful riches. People who are not firmly rooted
in God through Jesus Christ and His Word are prone to be lead away by these
trials. This passage refers to a
person’s salvation at the core and clearly that incorporates much more than a
parent’s role in the life of their child but it does include our role as
parents. How are we preparing and
equipping our children to face the trials and temptations of life. The book of Proverbs is a father’s
instruction to his children about how to know God and then how that deep saving
knowledge of God is fleshed out in this world. Included in that knowledge is how to handle failure both
potential and real.
My
desire for my boys is that they ultimately succeed in every area of life. Part of the road leading towards their success is going to be
marked by failures. My prayer is
that some of these failures occur while they are still at home so our family
can learn from them and grow through them. That way, when they are older and on their own, they will be
prepared to face the trials, temptations and failures in a way that grows them
and enables them to experience and demonstrate grace.
